FartAll farts are divided into two groups.

  1. Your farts
  2. Someone else's farts.

Definitions:

Flat·u·lence (flŕch e-lens) noun

  1. The presence of excessive gas in the digestive tract.
  2. The accumulation of gas in the alimentary canal.

Fart (färt) Vulgar Slang.

noun

  1. An audible discharge of intestinal gas.

verb, intransitive

  1. To expel intestinal gas through the anus; 
    toot; break wind; cut one; cut the cheese; pass gas; rip one

[Middle English farten, from Old English feortan.]

Attribution images and blurbs: Ivory Tower Publishing

In Great Britain, to fart in public, other than discreetly and silently “letting off” would be regarded as extremely ill-mannered and vulgar. The British maintain politeness to an extreme, therefore one attempts to silence or otherwise disguise the source of a fart. Something or someone to which blame can be attached, such that there is no fear of your accusation being contradicted. To wit, there is a story of an elderly dowager at a banquet unexpectedly and very loudly “letting one go.” To cover her embarrassment she turned to a butler standing nearby and seeking to cast the blame on him, she imperiously intoned: “Stop that, at once!” Staring straight ahead with an expressionless gaze, the clever butler replied: “Certainly madam. Which way did it go?”

And so it is that the British mask their airborne crime, because poised they remain, and in the time it might have taken one to hide himself and his pungent micro-pollution away, said wind could have decided to go in the opposite direction, and cause one untold amounts of pain. Thus the British make no apologies for the state of the bowels, they make no apologies for doing something every single human ever has done and will continue to do til the end of time. They make no apologies for saving oneself what could very easily turn into days of severe pain and eventually becoming more uncontrolled farting than a field of cows.

You must not be fooled by its pretty sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it however is its length. It is the longest lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. Spectators have been known to bite their knuckles bloody or even to faint while this fart is going on. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. If you are going to claim this one for your list you had better have witnesses, or there is a good chance people will say you have lied about it. Exceedingly rare.

People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a bathtub fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubble or bubbles.

The bathtub fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the bathtub fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly group one unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with you friends.

A girl can fart a fart that will shake the walls or blow little birds right out of their nests, but the girl will never give a sign. You are supposed to ignore it. It may be hard to do, but you better do it. With girls this is the most common fart there is.

It is necessary for a dog to be around for this fart to occur. People who fart and blame it on the dog when there is no dog within miles are making a travesty of the whole fart identification business, which is difficult enough as it is. This is always a silent fart but one with an odor you could blame on a dog that was dead. The farter tries to blame it on the dog. He will even go so far as to run the dog out of the house. Do not be fooled. When a dog farts it will usually grunt too. It may even get up and walk away. This is what you should do when you have identified a dog did it fart. They are vile.

The name should give you a pretty good idea about this particular fart. There are some farts that are a nuisance and some that are funny and some that are very peculiar, but the most popular fart of all is probably the relief fart. Sound or odor doesn't matter. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. This is usually a group one identification, but if the farter is the sort of person who is not afraid to show his feelings this can be a positive group two identification as well. Some people will even say, "wow, what a relief." Very common.

Very similar to the car door fart, only here the farter tries to conceal his fart by making a lot of racket getting some gum or candy from a vending machine. He will even pound and kick the machine for some time after it has given him his gum or candy bar, waiting for the fart to happen. This usually doesn't work much better than the car door fart, yet people, kids especially, will keep trying it. More damage is done to vending machines this way than anyone realizes.

The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor which is also very heavy it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that? You might think. And never guess. Watch for this one. Rare.

This rare fart is a fart by a person sitting with their legs crossed thinking very heavy thoughts. The chance of a group two identification on this one is pretty slim, as who wants to hang around a person sitting with their legs crossed thinking very heavy thoughts. If it is a group one fart and you are really into yoga then you should not even notice that you have farted. This could be a tough one to get on your list unless you are pretty weird.

Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say thank god I'm alone. Then you get out of there. If it has to happen though, that is the best way for is to happen. Like finding out that your fly is unzipped. You should be alone.

I consider the ghost fart a doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in a empty house. You enter and smell a fart. Yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but I am of the opinion that it is just something that happens to smell like a fart. Maybe a dead rat. I have argued this with my friends and include the ghost fart here only at their insistence. However all identifications of the ghost fart should be listed as tentative or doubtful.

This is something that just happens. Like an albino squirrel. It is doubtful if anyone can learn to throw his farts. But sometimes if all the conditions are right is will happen. And the person sitting next to the farter will look surprised and pleased. This will have been a ventriloquist fart. This is an extremely hard one to identify unless you are the farter.